Let me tell you, dear reader, about the time a one night stand (club, alcohol, cute smile, the usual) went horribly hilariously wrong. I’ll keep it short and sweet. He was a hot Kiwi rugby player, he had a great body, he was pretty good with his hands and I was pretty sure things were gearing up to be pretty fucking great. That is, until he opened his mouth. Without going into the details of what came out, because really most of the comedy was in the way he said it, those few short sentences sent me into absolute hysterics of laughter. I’m talking about a proper, can’t catch your breath fit of the giggles that left poor hot guy somewhat confused and embarrassed and me with a pain in my side from laughing.
You see, dirty talk is all well and good as long as what comes out of your mouth are your words and not the words of some 1970s porn star. If your dirty talk sounds forced or unnatural neither of you are going to buy into it and the moment could end up being ruined by screams of laughter as opposed to screams of pleasure. So in order to avoid this somewhat awkward situation here are some top tips for dirty talk:
1. Avoid using crude words unless you know your partner is really into that kind of thing. If you’re just experimenting with dirty talk, or you’re having a jolly old time with someone you’ve just met, then the hardcore stuff might prove to be a bit too much for the occasion. Start off gently and you can always ramp things up a bit later on.
2. Remember, it’s not all about what you say, but the way you say things – as evidenced by my own hysterical laughter at poor hot Kiwi guy. Whisper things gently into your partner’s ear as you’re fucking them. Lower the pitch of your voice and talk from way ‘down there’. It’s sometimes easier to really let go if you don’t sound exactly like your usual chirpy self.
3. Just go with the flow and describe whatever dirty thoughts are coming into your head. You could talk about what you’re actually doing now or what you’d like to be doing. But whatever it is it’s probably best to keep it relevant to the person you’re with. Free flowing dirty talk about how much you’d love Brad Pitt’s head between your legs (or Angelina’s for that matter) may not go down too well if your current partner is giving it all they have in that department.
4. Do you have vivid memories of a particularly sexy occasion you spent together, getting up to all sorts of sexy antics? Then talk about them, remind yourselves of how great that occasion was by making it real with words again.
5. Remember, we are all imaginative creatures so sometimes all you need to do is plant the seed with a few dirty words and our dirty minds will usually take us off somewhere very sexy indeed.
6. And finally, remember to tell your partner how things are going. If something feels fucking amazing, tell them so. If you’re dripping wet and dying for them to be inside you, let them know. And if you’re just about to reach the dizzy heights of an almighty orgasm, share the news. Everyone likes to feel as though they’ve got the skills when it comes to pleasuring their partners and it’s always nice to be appreciated.
Have fun!