Starfish Position – Reading time approx: 8 minutes
What is the starfish position?
The starfish position is a common situation in bed in which the woman is so passive and motionless (like a starfish), usually in the missionary position under the man and lets the events pass over her without active participation.
In this situation, the man will certainly understand, because there is no tenderness, words or noise from her. Apparently emotionless, she lets herself be taken like a ‘starfish’. And the man has no idea whether she likes it or not, or indeed if she is even thinking about something else – such as..… the next day in the office!
The starfish position is an extremely frustrating experience for the man. Since he feels rejected, unloved and the only one in the relationship who feels pleasure sexually.
At a glance
- In the ‘starfish position’ the woman simply lies there
- The man will almost certainly feel bad due to a lack of feedback
- Talk about the situation directly to help find a solution
Most of the time, the man has to take the initiative right from the start. Either way, he has to take on the more active part and always lead throughout the sex act. While his partner gives him the impression that she is happy when it is over.
He feels like the rambling buck during starfish sex, which is allowed to work on it. She tolerates the whole thing more.
In most cases, this behavior can be very hurtful for the man, and if their behavior does not change, he will most likely not make the effort over time and there will be an increasing stretched slack between the sheets – usually with devastating consequences for the relationship.
How does the starfish position work?
To begin with, the woman lies on her back with her legs spread wide open. The arms can be stretched out to, or keep them at the side (whichever feels most comfortable).
Sometimes it makes sense to use this sex position, e.g. if you’ve had a long day and are completely exhausted.
The woman can ‘almost’ completely relax, leaving the man to do all the work. But you can also use this position very slowly. With so-called slow sex you have little physical exertion, and yet a more deeply sensual experience.
However, it is important to note that because you also have “normal” sex, in some situations the woman may be too ‘lazy’ to climax (due to the lack of reciprocated interaction), and therefore you may need to add to the action to achieve the desired result!
What can you do? Is your girlfriend a starfish?
No man in the world expects highly acrobatic exercises in bed, nor does he need help to be dragged into bed every time, in fact he just wants to get the feeling from the woman that she is also mentally involved in sex and enjoys it. Quite often, small gestures can help in this situation – most of which can have a different effect.
As a result, the woman can always show her partner, for example by stroking his body. Whilst she is tenderly facing him (and enjoys touching him). Or she can include her partner’s body, e.g. with her legs – and express that she enjoys the closeness to him.
These are just small measures that she can do to help well in such a situation, particularly where there is no ‘position feeling’ coming from the man. In addition, it is important for the couple to talk regularly about their mutual needs and their sex life in general.
Where there is a good atmosphere, both are able to tell each other what they like, what they agree on, and above all – what should not take place in bed at all.
Tips for him
HE should try to create a trusting atmosphere of conversation, to allow the woman to speak open and freely about her wishes. Maybe she would like to try other types of sex, either a quickie in the kitchen, or sex in the morning, or maybe she would like to live out a fantasy through role-play sex games.
In some cases, the woman will not always be aware of how her behaviour affects her partner. Or she may have completely different wishes in bed and therefore she’s less likely to get in the mood.
Often she may find ‘common’ sex slightly boring, but does not dare to freely express her wishes and/or sex fantasies. She may not even know how much the man misses being stroked or pleasured.
If you are able to clearly identify your own needs without accusing your partner, then it won’t be that difficult to change the situation. After all, it is very likely that the man will be delighted if he knows how to get his wife ‘back on the road’!
Sometimes, the problem can come from the fact that the woman doesn’t reach orgasm. The best way to achieve this is by satisfying her orally, or by using the finger properly. The same can also be said about the woman taking the initiative from time to time. Instead of just being a ‘starfish’ under the man.
All of these techniques can be enough for the man to show that he is not always the only one who feels the pleasure in bed.
Ways out of the starfish trap for him and her
If the woman has the opportunity to live out her own wishes in bed, it is more likely that her behaviour will become more active, and therefore the starfish position is less likely to be an issue.
Of course the man should also talk about his fantasies, and freely say what he wants. Often this is not always that clear to the woman. This is because they are used to the man being the more active part. And therefore they will likely just adapt accordingly.
If you find it hard to talk about your preferences, you can of course try Dirty Talk. The alternative when you are on the go, is to try erotic sayings for Whatsapp.
Men are not only focused on one part of the body, because they also love to be stroked across various parts of the body. Nothing will make the man more happy, than if she also takes the initiative.
For this, she doesn’t have to think up a whole raft of erotic choreography. But again it’s the small gestures which are enough, for the man to become very receptive.
Guaranteed no boredom
The starfish position in bed doesn’t have to be some ‘dead-end’ route in the sexual stakes. Just remember that Small changes and/or gestures are usually enough to wipe out the slack spells you are having in the bedroom.
In most of these cases, it is often due to a lack of communication between the two partners. Both are reluctant to raise the issue, and neither knows how the other is feeling!
All it needs is for one to start talking appreciatively about the needs of both. It often turns out that both desires are not that far apart. The alternative to starfish position is the smaller but sensual sex acts between the sheets. Often these small changes are sufficient, so that the man experiences the feeling of being coveted and also the woman finds more pleasure in sex.
Tips for you
In most circumstances, it is up to YOU to tell the man what (and where) you like (it) most. Unfortunately, men can’t guess what’s going on in the women’s world. And they are usually very grateful if they do know. For example, the woman only gets going after an extensive prelude.
Again, she also needs to show her partner (through small gestures) that she likes to be sensual and touch him. Give something new a try with him – e.g. Greek sex
The man is also happy to be touched sensually and stroked. And of course they also like to be seduced from time to time. The woman, on the other hand, should state clearly (or show the man) what she likes!
Bonus Tip: No matter how you set yourself up, if you give him a really good blowjob (instructions here), he will love you! In fact, it is always a good idea to tell him up front that it is perfectly fine to have no desire, and it is self-evident to always respect the limits of the other. Nothing kills the lust faster than sex-acts that you are not both comfortable with.
Therefore, the starfish position is only a phenomenon that shows there is a point in the relationship that needs to be worked on!
If you get it right, the woman will probably transform from a passive starfish into a thoroughly fiery lover.
Did you enjoy reading about the Starfish Position? If so, then why not check out our blog about Nuru Massage – Erotic Experience